Entry 6

The Long Hiatus

—01/24/2019 1:57pm—

It’s been a long time. How have you been? I’ve been real busy, too busy to write even, or at least too depressed or exhausted to do so when I wasn’t too busy. And then so much time passed of not writing that it just got more and more difficult to do it. So, here’s an extra long post to get caught up, then I should have the time to make more regular posts again.

The End of the Semester

The semester ended rough, real rough. I managed to pass my STAT class, but just barely with a C. That’s below my standards and I know I could have done better if I had been allowed an incomplete but it’ll have to do. For my other classes, I was allowed incompletes and met with my professors to come up with plans to change that into a letter grade.

Unfortunately, saving my grades by taking incompletes came at a cost. I lost my financial aid for the Spring 2019 semester, so I’ve been forced into taking it off until I finish the incompletes. Which is fine-ish, I can focus on my work for the incomplete classes instead of having to worry about those AND classes I’m enrolled in for that semester. It will, however, set me back a semester, and I would really like to not graduate in the fall, winter at [REDACTED] isn’t the prettiest setting for graduation pictures.

The Holiday

The holiday season was brutal. Working retail is not recommended at holiday time, it gets crazy busy and very stressful. Working back at my “home” store, I walked into a shit show. The state of the store, and my photo lab, had degraded significantly while I was away, which only made working there more difficult. I had to work Christmas Eve, but got Christmas Day off, which was a nice change of pace.

On Christmas, my family and I spent the morning with my father’s side of the family, which I hardly get to see. Then we spent the evening with my mother’s side of the family. All in all, it wasn’t bad. I usually work every holiday, so it was nice to see what they actual do for the holidays while I’m at work.


Remember Charlie? The friend of mine that I reconnected with? The night I got back from school he invited up to his new place in Chicago. I’ve never driven up to the city before, and have always been scared shitless of driving on the freeway going into the city. But go I went, because I missed him greatly. I cheated a little by taking an anxiety pill but still, I made it in one piece. It was nice to see him again, and I ended up spending the night.

I visited him several times after that, whether it was him who needed me or me who needed him. One trip up was because I had a doctor’s appointment in the city and I was on my own for getting there. So, I drove up to Charlie’s place and he was nice enough to help me navigate public transportation and make sure I got there. He came in with me, to see how it all worked since he was probably going to need the same kind of care in the future after what happened to him. After my appointment, we got coffee and donuts (Stan’s Donuts, they’re the best!). As we were walking back to the train station, he thanked me and took me by the arm, saying today had been nice.

When we got back to his place, I gave him the Christmas gift I had gotten him (I love giving gifts, and I could really care less about getting gifts, I’m weird). It was a lockbox disguised as a book, with a copy of “The Alchemist” by Paulo Coelho, along with a set of antique looking bronze keys. There were 10 of the keys, strung together on a loop of twine. The heads of each key had some kind of heart design to them. Keys to my heart, I told him. Every time I was hurt I added another lock, which is why there were so many. He was overwhelmed, as was I, and I knew what was coming. He had some other things we had to run and do, so we kinda pushed that aside for the moment and went to finish what we had to do. We never really talked about it after.

And some time passed, I visited a couple more times, and then on one of his calls to check in on me, he said that he thinks we shouldn’t have sex (not that we had, this time around) and should start off as friends and get to know each other better and go from there. I didn’t like it, but if that’s what he was comfortable with, then I would go with it.

Then came my birthday, which I had asked to spend with him playing Magic the Gathering, eating pizza, and drinking. When I got to his place, we went and got the pizza first, then started the drinking while we ate. At was at this point that he said he had invited some other people to play, because he thought it would be more fun with a few more people. Fine, he’s not wrong, more people make for a more interesting game. But then I find out that these other people are his most recent ex’s, and then he says if they end up staying the night, I’m on the couch and they’re in his bed with him. I forget what exactly he said next, but I interpreted it all as “I care more about them than I do you” which earned him some bitter looks for a good portion of the beginning of the night. I honestly debated just walking out. Not packing up and leaving but just grabbing my coat and heading right out of the door. With how the rest of the night went, it may have been better if I had done that. Only one of his ex’s showed up to play, and it was fun having a free-for-all with 4 players (Charlie’s roommate was there, which I expected and was perfectly ok with). I had many drinks, which helped ward off more bitter looks, and I had an ok time. Then when we finished, that’s when shit hit the fan, because Charlie had been 2 days without nicotine (he’s trying to quit smoking) and the withdrawal was a little too much for him. I’ll spare the details, but it involved me getting snapped at, him assuming an incorrect reason for my bitter looks, and me crying a lot. His ex ended up going home, and I spent the night because I was in no state to drive home. Having had his nicotine fix, he apologized for some of the things he said, and for not being a little more considerate of what I may have wanted to do on my birthday.

Later in the week, we had another conversation. When it comes to potential romance, others have priority over me in his current state, and he’s debating re-entering a romantic relationship with his 2 most recent ex’s (they had a polygamous relationship). He said he wasn’t ready for a monogamous relationship anytime soon, and he knows I know why, because I’m smart and he knows it. I do know why, but I also know he’s not doing anything to overcome those roadblocks. If anything, he’s doing everything to build them up.


So, there’s basically where I’ve been since I last wrote. It’s a little bit of a mess, but there it is. Heartbroken again and depressed about school, I continue to press on and try to make the most of my life. I’m currently trying to decide if I can continue to be just friends with Charlie. I’ve been keeping a pros/cons list on my phone, there are currently 6 pros and 13 cons (and the pros aren’t that strong). Logically I should say goodbye, but I’m an emotional being and don’t want to. And even if I did, I don’t know if I could with how easy it is to reach out to people nowadays, when people are only a text or a call away.

I’ll try to keep more regular posts from now on. Until next time!

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