Entry 1


—1:00pm—

Another day, another struggle to get out of bed. I started like any other day lately, wondering if I can manage to shake myself out of depression, at least a little bit. But as I reflect on a morning spent half-heartedly playing Minecraft instead of doing any of the dozen or so things I’m supposed to be doing, I think not today.

With the semester coming to a close fast, I’m getting even more nervous about how it’s going to end for me. I’ve emailed requests to my four professors (one teaches two classes I’m in) for an incomplete for the semester, which would allow me to make up work and put off taking finals until next semester. One has already agreed, and wants to meet with me next Wednesday to discuss my plan to complete the work. Another had replied saying he would consult with the Office of the Dean of Students before making a decision, then this morning emailed me requesting a meeting later today. The other two have not yet replied, though one has office hours today that I should probably drop in during. He’s the one that teaches two of my classes, so I have a lot riding on his decision.

As I sit writing and sipping a fruit punch Rockstar (I have a slight addiction to them), I wonder how I let things slip so far. “It’s the depression,” I tell myself. And yet, I feel as though something so important as my future and life goals shouldn’t be ousted so easily. Yet here I am, on the verge of failure once more. I suppose this is one of those points where I promised more backstory.


A Digression

Back in 2008, I graduated high school in the spring, and began as a freshman at [REDACTED] in the fall. To give the short version, everything went fine at first, but then things started to go south. It was slow at first, but then quickly snowballed into an out of control spiral. I couldn’t focus well in class, which made me do not as well as I was used to, which made me depressed, which made me make stupid decisions, which resulted in me doing worse in classes, which made me depressed, which… do you see a cycle forming? I dropped out for a year, saw some medical professionals, who did some tests and assessments. I was diagnosed with ADHD and prescribed medication that would supposedly help. Then went back, did well the first year, though I started encountering the same problems. The second year I failed miserably. I went and saw a number of medical professionals again, and was eventually diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder (currently depressed) and an anxiety disorder in addition to my ADHD. This is the point where I got that job that was only supposed to be a summer job. And that is enough on that, for now.


So, on the verge of repeating my personal history, you would think the fear of doing so would kick my ass into gear. But then, I suppose fear is a paralytic, not a motivator.

It’s getting close to the time I need to leave at for my meeting with my professor. And, if I can summon the courage, I’ll stop by my other professor’s office too, hopefully there will be no one else there. I’ll continue this post later.

—6:00pm—

Well, my first meeting didn’t go entirely as I had hoped, but not a total loss either. My professor for my STAT class is uncomfortable giving an incomplete when the Office of the Dean of Students doesn’t have clear guidelines on this kind of situation, especially since I had been doing so well up to a certain point. So, I must finish this class and take the final during finals week. However, he is willing to work with me some in the way of dropping my two lowest homework scores, so that’s got me set up to do well enough. As for the professor for two of my CS courses, he’s willing to give me incomplete grades for both and work with me to get the work done and done well. Looking at my earlier work, he said he can see I’m capable of doing it, it’s just a matter of being at that equilibrium where I can perform optimally. I mentioned that the ODOS pushed at me to petition to withdraw, and he commented that that is a valid option and may not be so bad, though I would have to retake the classes and pay for them a second time.

I reached out to my best friend, Chris, for advice, but he hasn’t gotten back to me yet, and he does keep pretty busy with work, so it may be a while before he does. I’m leaning into going with the incomplete for both classes though.

In other school-related news, I have a group project presentation tomorrow morning that I have yet to prepare for, but it should be pretty easy, I hope. Public speaking is not my forte, but I only have to speak for 2-3 minutes, which isn’t too bad, I guess. So, that’s what the rest of my night is looking like.

I think that’s going to be it for today. After preparing for my presentation, I’ll probably just head to bed, in hopes that I’ll actually wake up on time. Until next time!

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